This Roomba would totally be euchred in a cleaning contest with the Captain. (Wikimedia Commons/Guzugi/HO)

So I’m drinking wine the other night with some delicious cheese and crackers I picked up from the St. Lawrence Market, when I made a startling discovery.

I got just a touch tipsy, and when I reached out for an oat cracker, I accidentally knocked the box on the floor. What can I say? Every girl has an embarrassing moment now and again. I went to go clean it up but then knock over the Merlot. Now had red wine all over the floor. A sad state of affairs for a professional cleaner/crime fighter/caterer.

But before I could get a mop, Captain Euchre was on the floor, sucking up the wine, crackers, and even some dust bunnies. And my goodness, did that floor ever look clean when he was done… The floor practically shined a smile back at me.

That experience required some more experimentation. I started leaving bits of food all over the house to see if Captain Euchre would go after it. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to be interested in them and it just attracted ants.

I was just about to call the exterminator, when I realized I was missing a key ingredient. Captain Euchre didn’t go after the crackers until the wine had spilled on the floor. So I tried pouring a bit of wine onto one of the piles of food and, quick like a cat, Captain Euchre was down on all fours devouring it. Well, down on his face, technically. He doesn’t move much.

So I tried pouring some more wine on the other side of the room, and he slid like a very slow and slug-like snake to get at it. His drool and shirt polishing the floor as he went. And it seems any type of alcohol works: wine, scotch, vodka, cooking sherry.

But I didn’t want to have to keep walking around the house, pouring alcohol on the floor. I needed a way for Captain Euchre to be self-sufficient. Then I had a Fantabrilliant idea. Like the carrot on a stick used in cartoons to get horses to run, I could create a device that could automatically pour the alcohol onto the floor so Captain Euchre could clean it up. So I duct taped a bottle of the cheapest malt liquor to his head. And it has one of those stopper thingies that limits the amount of liquid poured to drizzle. And then I sent him loose.

My place is now spotless. His saliva even shampooed the rugs.

Then I had an even more Fantabrilliant idea. Why not use his new ability to help AAA Cleaning… Now, obviously I needed to play down the organic aspects of his cleaning regimen. Just as people complain that a plate licked clean by the family basset hound still needs to go in the dishwasher, some might be put off by Captain Euchre’s salivating techniques.

So I decided to call him the first human Roomba as they essentially do the same thing. Though, Captain Euchre tends to fall down stairs.

And there are a couple of more glitches to work out. On our first job, Captain Euchre kind of ate a baby. It’s not really his fault, the kid was playing with blocks right in his path. And he just swallowed him up in one gulp. I’m not even sure how he did that. Maybe he has some kind of residual euchre power in his jaw that can make it oversized..

Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal. I got him to spit the child up almost immediately. The kid even giggled about it and gave Euchre a hug.

But the mom went all crazy and kicked us out of the house. We didn’t even get paid.

Some damage control is needed so I don’t scare off future customers. Maybe I should get a bib for Captain Euchre that says “Keep Away From Children.” Or maybe a kidcatcher. Like they have on trains.